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He d seen her do that once with a ridiculously early call from her
mom. I guess when you come out, you really come out, huh?
Dario snorted. Is that what I m doing? I hadn t really thought
about it like that.
Did you do anything with this other guy? Wait. I m not sure I
want to hear the answer to that.
That s why I called. I spent the night with him and I like him.
Well, I think I like him. I m worried that I just& I was just& fuck,
Ruby, I don t know what I m doing here.
It sounds like you re doing just fine. Does he like you? Her
voice took a hard edge. He didn t kick you out or something, did
he?
Dario smiled despite the fact that he wasn t in a smiling mood.
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He didn t kick me out. I left before he woke up. I was a little bit
freaked. I didn t know if I could handle waking up with him.
But you went there, thinking you were going to find that other
guy. That Billy Ray. What s the difference?
The difference is& Billy Ray was my first. He was the only
guy I had ever been with. Not to go into too much detail, but it was
always so rushed and I always felt so guilty. But it s different
when you re in somebody s house, in somebody s bed. It s more
serious, isn t it?
And traveling a thousand miles to find a guy you haven t seen
in thirty years, leaving me behind& you re not trying to tell me that
isn t serious, are you? She sighed. I m sorry, Dario. I guess I just
don t get it.
I don t think I get it, either. I m not going to find Billy Ray.
Ever. And I don t know how to let it& him& go. Dario wiped his
hand over his face. I m sorry, I shouldn t have dumped all of this
on you.
Well, you could ve picked a better hour to call, that s for
sure. But her tone was lighter than it had been. Listen. I can t tell
you how to do any of that. I m still trying to wrap myself around
the fact that you like guys. But, you know, it seems to me you
thought something was going to change for you by finding him.
You wanted something to change. Is it worth it mooning after this
Billy Ray for the rest of your life instead of maybe finding
something real for you to hang onto?
I did want something to change, but it wasn t you, Ruby. I
hope you understand. I did& I did want to be the man you
deserved. And you re right about the other thing, too. I can t let
somebody else slip through my fingers because of a guy I knew
when I was a kid.
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I just wish I d been right about us.
I know. Sometimes, I wish you were right about our
relationship, too. I ll let you go now. Maybe you can get a few
more hours of sleep.
Somehow, I don t think that s going to happen. Bye, Dario.
* * *
Dario didn t speak to Shawn at all on Saturday, which was
probably for the best though he wasn t sure. He missed Shawn. It
was strange to miss a man he barely knew, one he had barely spent
any time with, but it was undeniable. He didn t just miss having a
mouth to kiss, he missed Shawn s mouth. He didn t want to just
talk to anybody, he wanted to talk to Shawn. He missed Shawn s
shy smile and the eager light in his eyes. He spent all of Saturday
thinking about everything he liked about Shawn and not making
the effort to call Shawn once.
He needed to get his mind straightened out. Ruby had been
right. Ruby was almost always right. Except when she thought he
would be a good husband for her, but he wasn t going to hold that
against her. Pining after a guy he hadn t seen in thirty years was
pretty ridiculous when there was finally somebody in his life who
felt right.
Somebody he had only known for a week. Barely a week. He
didn t even know if Shawn wanted a relationship, or a one-night
stand, or a six-month fling. Or anything at all, really, since he
might not be impressed with the fact that Dario had snuck away
like a thief in the night. It never seemed this difficult when he was
with women. With his first wife, Sarah, and with Ruby, he simply
dated them until they made it clear they were looking for
something more than just a boyfriend. Then he proposed. But none
of the women in his life invoked Billy Ray s ghost, and dating
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them never constituted a major life change.
Ruby had said he was coming out. She seemed willing to
accept who and what he was. Or maybe she had just been trying to
get off the phone because it was six in the morning and he had
sounded like a mad man.
He woke up early Sunday morning and considered simply
staying in his room until it was time to go to work on Monday. But
he still needed to speak to Reverend Peck, and if he could get the
chance to see Shawn, he wanted to take it. Maybe it would be
easier to get his own thoughts in order if he understood what
Shawn was thinking.
Despite the early hour, the church door was unlocked. He
founded Reverend Peck in the front pew, his head bowed. From
the back, it looked like he was praying. Dario approached
cautiously, wary of disturbing the man during a private moment
with his God. But as he got closer, he realized that Peck was
actually studying his Bible, a pencil in hand as he read the Gospel
of John.
Excuse me, Reverend?
When that young face tilted up at him and smiled, Dario almost
turned on his heel and ran. Peck hadn t even been alive when he d
known Billy Ray. He presided in this small community where guys
like Shawn were considered weird and locals felt it necessary to
warn strangers about him. Would Peck see it on Dario? Would he
be able to tell that he d let another man take him to his bed and
spend hours making him feel better than he d ever felt in his life?
But the smile remained steady, the eyes friendly. If Peck saw
anything, he kept that knowledge hidden.
Yes? What can I do for you?
Dario sat in the pew across the aisle, turning to face Peck. I
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was wondering if you could help me out on my search for
somebody I used to know. I lived here for a few months when I
was a kid, and I made friends with Billy Ray Waters. I know that
his father passed on, but I was wondering if you knew anything
about Billy Ray?
Peck frowned thoughtfully at the name s mention, but shook
his head when Dario was done speaking. I don t know very much,
I m afraid. He filled in here after his father died, but he didn t stay
for long. Closing his Bible, he stood and gestured toward the
closed door behind the pulpit, leading to his private office. He s
on the newsletter mailing list, though. Would you like his contact
information?
Dario rose to follow Peck, but stopped short when he heard the
reverend s question. Somehow, he had never expected that Peck
would be able to provide something so concrete, so tangible. He
hadn t expected the wild goose chase to actually come to an end.
Yes, that would be great. Thank you.
Peck led the way around the pulpit and through the door. I m
not sure how current the information is, but since his name s still
on the list, someone is still at the address we have. He glanced
back when they reached his office. Did you try searching for him
online already, too?
No. Dario smiled sheepishly. I don t even own a computer.
I figure I got by fine without one for so long, it s never been a
priority.
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