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All right. She sat down on the bed and draped an arm around my
shoulders. Here goes. She turned on the tape player, and we both
listened raptly.
I think I m going to have to have a talk with Hayden about drinking. I
understand needing a drink once in a while, but it seems like she drinks to excess
when she s nervous or worried or feeling insecure. That s not a good habit to get
into, and I d hate to see her get into trouble because of it.
It s been a couple of months, but she constantly does things that surprise me.
Like tonight. I was surprised and not in a good way. I just don t understand
what goes through her mind when she says things like she said tonight.
I grabbed Gina s hand, switching the recorder off. Tell me what I
said, I begged.
But she wouldn t budge. I told you, Hayden. You didn t say anything
worth repeating. You didn t say anything that hurt me or made me feel
any differently about you. Now drop it. It s over. She d never spoken so
forcefully to me, but for some reason, I didn t mind. I knew I d fixate on
this if I thought I could get her to talk. But when she was so unyielding, it
made me let go. I settled back against her and didn t say a word as she hit
the play button again.
I don t mean any disrespect to Hayden, but from a purely impartial
perspective, anyone could see that Lacey is a gorgeous woman. When I used to see
those lists of the world s most beautiful people in magazines, I d laugh, thinking
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how stupid their choices were. Some of the people they said were beautiful were
downright goofy looking. I ve decided that you don t have to be really gorgeous to
be on TV or in the movies. It s more of a personality thing. There are lots of
beautiful people who have average, run-of-the-mill jobs. Lacey is one of them.
She has a natural beauty that can actually take your breath away. And it sure as
hell doesn t hurt that she has a big heart. She s a damn nice woman. I saw that
again tonight. I probably was stupid to break up with her. I guess I was just
immature at the time, and I hadn t learned that there are times in every
relationship where your partner doesn t support you like you need to be supported.
I have no idea what my expression was, but it was enough to make
Gina hit the stop button. This is part of what I thought would hurt you,
baby, but just hold on. It gets better. Before I could say a word, she
turned it on again.
I m not going to make that mistake with Hayden. I know she s insecure about
some things, and I m going to try my best to reassure her. This is just a minor
issue, but I have a feeling it s going to last for a long time. But we ll get through
it, just like we ll get through the other things that come up.
Now I know what expression I wore. It was a big, silly smile. Gina
leaned over and kissed me, very gently. Her lips were so close to mine
that I could feel their heat. I told you it gets better, she whispered. I
don t want to be with Lacey. It s over between us and has been for years. I
want you. As I kissed her, I heard her voice coming from the recorder
again. Damn, I thought she was finished!
After talking to Lacey for a while tonight, I realized what it is about Hayden
that I love so much. Lacey and I got along very well, and we were very
comfortable together. We came from the same background, and we had the same
types of families. She was awesome in bed, and we never lost the spark we had.
But Lacey was complacent. She was complacent about herself, and she was
complacent about me. She thought I had a wonderful job, and she didn t
understand why I wasn t happy with just her, my job, and our friends. She
never understood why I wanted to read instead of watch TV. She didn t
understand why I spent so much time learning Italian. And she never had even
a glimmer of understanding about my love of history. Lacey lived in the present,
and she had no interest in the past.
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But Hayden& Hayden gets me. She wants more for me; she wants more from
me. She wants more from herself. She has goals, and she s very intent on
reaching them. But her goals aren t about money and power. She s trying to get
into a position that will let her do the things that really fill her soul. I can t
express how much I respect her for that. Hayden s the first person I ve ever met
who thinks I can be more than I already am. She s the first person who s ever
seen my potential. She s the first person who s ever made me feel like I m smart.
When I m with her, I see the future, and it s damned bright.
I didn t care if this tape went on for another hour. I had to wrap my
arms around my wonderful girlfriend and kiss her. But she s a persistent
woman, and after just a few minutes of kissing, she pulled away and
turned on her recorder again.
My poor little lamb is lying next to me, either asleep or unconscious. I have no
idea how much she drank, but it must ve been a load. She s gonna have a terrible
hangover in the morning, and I m not going to be here. I ll leave her a note to
call me when she wakes up so I can come and make her some espresso.
I m having a hard time sleeping because I ve got so many things going through
my head. I m leafing through this photography book I have on Sicily, but I keep
thinking of Hayden.
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