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It's all right, Hemarchidas. I know it's you. Don't let him take that away as well. Don't let
him rob us of that.
Hesitating, careful, as if he was afraid Anaxantis would crumble under the merest pres-
sure, Hemarchidas put his arms around him, and he sighed with relief when he felt his friend's
head resting against his chest and felt assured his embrace was welcome.
After a few minutes, Anaxantis resumed in the same detached voice.
I knew then I wasn't master anymore over my own body. That I had totally lost control
over my most basic and intimate functions. That I was completely at his mercy. And I des-
paired. I despaired like never before. I felt totally worthless. I thought I would die of shame
and humiliation, as I sat there in the dark, stinking of his urine, wet, cold and hurting. The
worst part was I felt dirty. As if it was my fault. I felt dirty for not having prevented him from us-
ing me like that. I felt dirty and guilty. I felt guilty for having come on my belly under his gloat-
ing stare. I felt dirty, guilty and worthless for having submitted to his demeaning treatment
without doing anything. There are moments, every day there are moments I still feel that
way... Then mother came to my aid. Mother and her harsh lessons. Like she had taught me, I
let first my indignation and then my hate take over. I hated like I've never hated before, and I
swore a thousand holy oaths and a thousand unholy oaths that I would get him for this. I
didn't know how. I didn't know when. But, if I survived this, I was going to get him. I swore that
I would repay him, not once but a thousand fold. That I would take everything away from him,
everything he took from me and then the rest. Everything he had and everything he was.
Piece by piece. Drop by drop. And it worked. It got me through the night and it got me through
the long months that were to come.
Hemarchidas plucked the dead leaves out off Anaxantis's hair and started stroking it.
But eventually he let you go? Hemarchidas half stated, half asked.
I sort of made him. I seduced him, pure and simple. I did what I had to do. And if more
had been required, I would have done that too. There was literally no limit to what I was pre-
pared to do. Yes, eventually he set me free. After more than three months. A few days later I
met you.
By the Gods, this is the boy I saw in the woods, hacking in on a tree, just a few days after
he managed to get out of the clutches of that raging savage, that foul swine. The prince who I
saw sitting on the ducal throne of Landemere, as if it was his birthright to do so and who
browbeat proud Athildis into submission. The lord governor who dismounted to help a simple
wounded soldier. The friend I berated because I was so petty as to feel he didn't trust me
enough.
I never saw the wounded boy who all the while carried this with him.
For the longest time Hemarchidas kept rocking Anaxantis in his arms. The tears had
stopped, but the sorrowful look was still there.
Well, some would say you fulfilled your dire oaths. You got him back. You made him re-
nounce his name, his lineage, his status. He can't leave your apartments. He's in your hands.
Powerless. Isn't it time to kill the venomous dog? To get rid of the vile monster? If you don't
want to soil your hands by killing your own brother, I'll gladly do it for you. I will, you know.
Quickly or slowly, just say how you want it done. It doesn't matter to me. Just say the word. It
won't burden my conscience one bit to rid the world of that evil monster. And when I'm done,
I'll toss his stinking remains into a watery grave.
Anaxantis looked at him with gratitude.
I know you would, Hemarchidas. I know you would, but I can't.
Why? Kill him already and have it over and done with. Then you can start forgetting... or
at least leave it behind you.
I can't, my friend, I can't.
But why? Why not?
Anaxantis hesitated and let out a long sigh.
I said I would tell you everything. So... for better or for worse, here goes. The simple truth
is I can't, because I love him.
Hemarchidas, who had thought he had heard the most important part already, startled.
You love him? he said uncomprehending. Of course you love your brother, but this...
this brute is not... this...
No, Anaxantis said calmly. You don't understand. I love him.
And then Hemarchidas did understand, and his whole world collapsed upon itself. Anax-
antis wasn't unattached as he had thought. Anaxantis was in love. With his brother. With the
man who had raped him. And he, Hemarchidas, had been a fool, waiting patiently and silently
all those months. Hoping. Longing. He thanked the Gods he hadn't dared dream beyond the
point where he declared his love for Anaxantis. But the fact remained he had lost the battle for
the affection of his love to a vulgar rapist. He groaned. He realized suddenly that he probably
never had stood a chance. It was all decided long ago, long before they even met.
And now you are disgusted with me, Anaxantis stated resignedly.
What? Hemarchidas asked, emerging out of his self-involved brooding. No, no, Anax-
antis, I learned a long time ago that we don't rule our hearts, but that they rule us. It is not
what I expected, sure enough, but who am I to judge?
In my tribe I was longtime considered a pervert for having feelings for other guys. I would
have been an outcast, were it not for Lethoras. No, my love, I know unusual and unusual
knows me. And I know the unpredictable obstinateness of the heart. I am not going to judge
you. You are an extraordinary man and you have the right to be extraordinary in your likes
and loves. It is the fact that I never even got a chance, that, without knowing it, I had lost the
race before it even began, that I wasn't even there at the start, that is what I mourn.
Ehandar used to say that we're not even half brothers, most likely, Anaxantis said sadly.
That mother... you know.
You love him and you hate him.
I love him. And I hate him because he made me hate that love. Because he made me
hate him.
He looked up at Hemarchidas, his blue-gray eyes filled with sadness.
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